When I started my blog I hoped to share fun things and help explain some of my symptoms and review places I go and equipment I have to hopefully offer some insights into illness and disability. However today was a really bad day for me. I’ve been struggling for a while but today made me worse. As this is part of long term conditions and disability I thought I’d still share. For some what’s happened will seem trivial but for me it’s the end of a downward spiral that has left me in a depression that I will have to struggle to come out of. No pithy anecdotes or quips today I’m afraid just reality.
I’ve been having a consumer issue surrounding my old mobility scooter and it is really hard for me to deal with especially with my anxiety. This scooter was nothing but problems from the minute I got it. Far from the freedom it was supposed to be it was a nightmare, breaking down every couple of months the last time in the middle of a road. Thankfully for me a side road, however the amount of main roads I cross I was very lucky. I should perhaps explain that this scooter was paid for with the only inheritance I got from my grandmother and it had been a long journey trying to afford one. I can’t afford and couldn’t afford the electric wheelchair I very much need so this was to be a much needed help. My mum who is my main carer has a heart condition and severe arthritis in her hands and so was struggling to push me in town. The scooter was supposed to stop the need for mum to push me. Anyways I can’t go too much into the details as it’s on-going but today I got yet another letter from the shop delaying refunding my money (we’ve been told we are entitled to this). This has just finished off the spiral as I was hoping it was finished with.
I have got more investigations to try and work out why my symptoms have flared up and they seem never ending. Throwing up more questions than answers I’m tired, tired of fighting, tired of questions, tired of everything. As I said I know lots of you with other problems will think this is a small drop in the ocean but without an essay explaining all the other things that are going on it is hard to get over to you how this has just pushed me over the edge but it has.
However, much as I want to give up and stop the fights……. I must go on. The depression has taken hold and I have to fight to try and pull myself out of it. But I will at least try. So there it is, I know it’s a long post about being depressed and know some of you will probably have stopped reading, but I think that this is real, this is part of my conditions, part of my disability and I feel that rather than hide it away I would take the plunge and share. Hope that others who are in the same condition might read it and find some hope in knowing that they are not alone.