So much has happened since the last time I have written, it’s going to be impossible to convey it all to you. Just before the pandemic started I finally got my Autism diagnosis. I am Autistic and I can now say that, I guess I am just coming to terms with that and what it all means. It’s a good thing, I can finally accept that a lot of the things I do and the way I am is down to having a brain that is differently wired. I know that the reason I have been unable to write is that in my brain I have hyper focussed on the negative comments and not listened to the many more positive ones. It’s hard for me to get beyond that negative though. Through my life, being bullied, having zero self confidence etc I have struggled to get beyond the negatives. Get beyond being told that I’m not good enough. So that is sort of what I want to talk about today. Am I good enough?
When I sit down to write now I get a voice in my head screaming at me, “you can’t write, stop, it’s not good enough”. I have had lots of messages from lots of people all telling me that my writing is good, but all my brain will take notice of is the negative. I write a sentence, I can’t think of what to write next but my brain is yelling that the sentence that I’ve written is not good enough. So I delete it, try it again and again and again but each time my brain tells me it’s not good enough. No one will want to read this, what makes you think that you know best? The truth is, I don’t; I know I don’t know best. There will always be someone who can write better than me, knows more than me, is prettier, stronger better. But the other truth is that while there is always someone out there better etc all I can do is do my best, try my best and give my opinion. It might be that you don’t agree with that opinion and that is OK. It might be that you know more than I do and that is OK too, I will learn from that. I can only do my bit, put my opinion forward, try my best. Will I be good enough, maybe not but at least I’ve tried. At least I’ve put my view point, raised my voice and maybe made someone think or given a different voice to counter a negative viewpoint. So the answer is not to the question am I good enough? It’s have I tried my best, and to that I will always be able to say yes I tried.
Now I’ve written this I’ve been re-reading and re-thinking if it’s good enough to publish. But if I keep listening to that part of my brain I don’t think that I will ever be able to write again!! So I’m going to try instead just writing, putting my opinion out there. Maybe you will agree with my view, maybe not. Maybe you will like my post, maybe not. But I have tried, and hopefully with that viewpoint in my brain I might be able to keep going. I might re-find my voice. Let’s hope so anyway!!!
So hopefully there will be a next time, so I shall say for now “speak to you soon”.