I have been cooking up a post which seems to be taking me forever to write!! I thought that while I was doing that though I’d still write a post as while we were out yesterday I came to a few realisations, well ok not so much realisations more recollections of these thoughts but whatever they were they came to me at the garden centre when I was out with my family. We’d gone for lunch just to have a short break, and of course because of all of us trying to fit in the small car it’s the manual chair for me!!!
Thought number one was I really really don’t like being pushed around (literally as I was in my wheelchair). I cannot self propel any more it’s just too hard; I either dislocate my shoulder or my hands just don’t work!!! So dad was pushing me. It’s so frustrating and I feel totally useless. Dad kept asking me what I wanted to look at but you just sound demanding if you’re constantly asking to go to look somewhere else, and people seem to think that they have the right to almost censor what you see (I really wanted to look at sweets but he kept steering me away). Another problem I have with dad pushing is that he tends to abandon me in the most awkward places i.e. in the middle of an aisle or right in front of a door. He has no idea!!! Being abandoned is bad enough, but the looks people give you when it isn’t your fault are quite upsetting. Following on from this thought was the one that I am getting to the stage where an electric chair is not just needed or preferred but necessary. I don’t qualify for an NHS one currently but if I don’t have one soon I will, quite honestly, go mad. There will be another problem however, when it comes to the stage where I can qualify for one, when it comes to putting it into the car (a Skoda Fabia with a piddly little boot). I can see dad injuring himself or damaging the car and declaring that he will not take me with it anywhere!!! Or it won’t fit in the boot full stop even with (if I can afford them too) ramps, and as it’s my dad’s car I couldn’t get a hoist installed and I cannot afford my own car even on motability.
Another one of my thoughts was that I quite simply am not a gardener. It’s not just that I’ve not really ever been intetested (apart from I do love looking at our garden and I would love to be able to grow fruit and veg like one of those people who have allotments or like those people in the Good Life) but is also largely to do with the fact that I’ve never had my own garden so haven’t ever practiced!! I cannot say a lot of the names and my attempts are often quite hilarious (anemone being the worst) but I also have no clue about what plants do what or grow where or even, to be honest, what the difference between a plant and a weed is. Now I’m disabled I have a legitimate reason why I cannot help in our garden as we have no raised beds and our decking is very difficult for me, but even without this excuse the fact is that I just do not have even one single green finger!!!
One more thought I had whilst getting frustrated that I was being pushed around the garden centre was that there is very little chance if me ever being really thin. Having had a gastric band I was amazingly pleased to have lost 6 stone, but since that failed (and I had to have it removed) and I piled the weight back on I have lost so much motivation. Don’t get me wrong if I could have further surgery or if someone gave me a guaranteed weight loss solution I would jump at the chance (and do it properly), but I have got so bored of trying and failing at the standard weight loss solutions. It’s made even more difficult by the fact that I cannot exercise. I think too that the fact that I have a rather boring life doesn’t help. I don’t smoke, drink or go out much. Most days merge into one and so for me food cravings are hard to avoid, take yesterday for example; we walked past the cake cabinet and I saw a yummy coffee cake cue craving no.1!! Craving no.2 was a pack of extra huge marshmallows followed closely by cravings 3 and 4 which were fudge and nougat (didn’t actually see those but had I done I would have bought them) and the final craving was for ice cream!! These were the all thought encompassing cravings that eat away at you after day until you can satisfy them ones!! So no don’t think I’m destined to be thin!!!
The next thought I had was that I really need an animal (a cuddly one not fish) in my life. Here there were a pair of such cute rabbits. All I wanted to do was have a cuddle. I’ve only had a couple of small pets in my life, the last one years ago when I was a child. But I’ve always wanted a dog mainly but also would like other animals, they really relax me. Yes I have strange allergies and possibly would be allergic to some animals but I don’t care, I am the sort of person who really needs an animal in my life. I’m hoping to apply for an assistance dog when the list reopens (as it’s been closed to new people since January) but that’s not a certainty!! The problem is my dad will not let me have a pet, full stop. I’ve tried everything over the years but to no avail, he will not let me have one. While I live at home I have to follow his rules, but I don’t have to like it!!! I just really do want a pet. I also however face the problem that if I move into a council place I won’t be allowed a pet either (apart from an assistance dog) so it’s lose lose for me.
The final thought I had was that I don’t like car seats, they are uncomfortable and when you have a disability like me where you have a lot of pain they are like a torture chamber. That mixed with the potholey roads of Britain and a car journey is even worse for me. I feel guilty that I am in so much pain because I get to have the front seat now while the rest of my family have to squeeze up on our tiny back seat but it is still not comfy for me!!
I leave you now with the anticipation of a new post soon, on my emergency kit!! Today is a high fatigue, high pain flare day. I’m sat here finding even the easiest task extremely difficult as my brain fog is bad too so I definitely won’t be having lots of realisations, I’ll be lucky if I remember who I am!!!