Anxiety, Depression, Brain Fog and coping with change.

I have thought long and hard about today’s post, writing and rewriting things that made no sense.  The problem that I had was that yesterday I had another bad day, my anxiety at full after another problem with trying to sort out a doctors appointment.  I would have in the past turned to my GP with my issues with my anxiety at the moment but they are one of the things that is making the situation worse.  I know some people won’t understand my problems, so my doctor has changed suck it up and go to see a new one.  But the two things that make this harder are living with a long term condition and my severe anxieties brought on by years of being told I was making things up as a play for attention (when ironically this was the last thing I wanted as I hated attention).  Going to a new doctor when you have a long term condition means going through all the things again that you have currently and explaining how all those things you have are affecting your long term conditions.  When you have conditions like EDS and POTS this makes it even harder because most of the time your doctor has never heard of the condition or if they have they don’t always understand it.  Even looking back at previous notes becomes a mammoth undertaking, scrolling through pages and pages of notes because you are at the doctors so much most of the receptionists know you by name before you have to give it, and you know about them and have had long chats with them!!! These regular trips often include a page worth of new symptoms and deteriorating problems so you have mammoth sets of notes, and that doesn’t include the hundreds of tests results and specialist reports (most of which have been a waste of time as again they’ve not heard of the conditions).  I have developed a rather large phobia of the doctors, waiting rooms full of sensory overloads, doctors who think you’re lying or drug hunting (because of course everyone wants to be on a large cocktail of drugs that treat each separate condition and make it look like you have a chemist shop on your shelf don’t they???) and you have to go to the doctors and hospitals more than the average person.  I’m now trying to see the locum one more time before I start a new relationship with a new doctor and hope that they will at least listen. Change for me anyway is nearly impossible. Last minute changes put me into that spiral of anxiety where I cannot think straight. I have to plan my days and friends all know that I have to have notice for anything they want to do with me. When unexpected change does happen I then start with all my OCD rituals which make me more anxious. Of course with all this change anyway I am struggling to cope. 

That has only been one of my problems the last few days, another has been that my Brain Fog has been so bad too that it has been taking over 4 times as long to do anything. I have been unable to think straight and coherent thoughts have been impossible again. My brain fog is made worse by stress and anxiety and depression all of which I have been suffering from these past few days.  I’ve had lucid moments and it’s during these lucid moments that I’ve been able to get onto here to write a post.  Yesterday wasn’t one of those times and so my blog post when I read it back looked like it had been written by someone with no knowledge of the English language, it was littered with grammatical and spelling mistakes and seemed as though my fingers had written thoughts as they came tumbling out of my head at 100 miles an hour (hence why it was deleted!!).  Brain fog is like slowing your thoughts down and anxiety is like they are being sped up and it seems as though the two had clashed and my thoughts came out at 100 miles an hour but my fingers could only write them at a very slow speed.  I’m still struggling to get my thoughts out but at least I have again have had those occasional lucid moments.

Today’s post has been, I’m afraid, another reality one. 

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